Ask for feedback

Choose someone with whom you want to have a better relationship. It could be the person you identified earlier or someone else. (If you’re really feeling motivated, ask more than one person, such as the person you’ve identified as being really good at relationships). Ask them to meet up face to face, with the intention of soliciting their feedback. Aim for in- person, with virtual or phone as a backup. As a last resort, communicate via email.

In your invitation, frame the conversation like this: “I want us to have a better relationship, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you think I’m doing. Please be as clear and honest as possible.”

(For this to work, you actually have to mean it. Strive to truly hear, listen, and understand what they are saying, however positive or critical it may come across. Before you begin, ask yourself what you want from/for this person in the conversation).

Ask them the following questions:

• • What’s it like being on the other side of me? Really.
• • What qualities about me do you appreciate the most in our relationship?
• • Where do you see me missing the mark?
• • Are there any unresolved hurts or needs between us that I’m not addressing or aware of?
• • What could I do differently that would immediately improve our relationship (big or small)?
• • Is there anything I haven’t asked you that would be helpful for me to know?

If you are speaking to the person you’ve identified as being really good at relationships, ask them:

• • What habits do you have that have contributed positively to your relationships?
• • What’s something I would be surprised to know about you that has helped your relationships?
• • What lessons have you learned from your family of origin which have helped or hurt your current relationships?
• • Is there anything I haven’t asked that would be helpful for me to know?

At the end of these conversations, thank them for the valuable gift of their time and honesty. Reaffirm your desire to improve your relationship (and/or the impact they are having in your life), and invite the opportunity for future conversations if they’re open to it.

(If they pose the same questions back to you, look for opportunities to be honest without assigning blame or intent). Create a mutual purpose of improving things between the two of you.