There is a joy that occurs when two people just get each other. A connection is made over a shared idea, affinity, or way of seeing the world. You might bond with a colleague over a sports team or a challenging project. You might make a friend over a shared sense of humor. You might bask in the glow of a new flirtation, whose vibe indescribably matches your own. C.S. Lewis describes it as “that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”
We are taught, and often reaffirm to ourselves, that the best relationships – and certainly the most compatible – are those marked by alikeness and ease. Those who are different, those “other” from us, are best kept at arm’s length. They seem to require more work to find real common ground.
But what if the people we stand to benefit from (and benefit) the most are the very ones we most often resist and misunderstand?
Men and Women Designed for Difference
Men and women have been drawn to each other, and at odds with each other, since the beginning of time. Much has been written and debated about the differences between us. And while no two people are exactly alike, or fit neatly into a list of descriptors, there is certainly a difference between men and women, even if we cannot fully articulate what that difference is!
In the first pages of the Bible, we read: “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:27) In other words, there is both shared dignity and distinct design. We are all made in the image of God – and yet, we were created differently.
We like the idea of difference in the abstract. New people, foods, ideas, and ways of doing things bring fresh perspectives and variety to what might otherwise be a uniform world. The friction between various people and methods can provoke important debate, expose blind spots, and reveal new possibilities. But in the everyday, we are quick to place ourselves above those who are different from us. Women can become the objects of our jokes, our insecurities, or our worst impulses.
Of course, this habit goes both ways (though, to be fair, history has seen men live this out to far more devastating effect). In The Meaning of Marriage, Tim and Kathy Keller describe how “people often turn temperamental, cultural, and gender differences into moral virtues.” And while it might give us a quick boost to put down the opposite sex, we miss the opportunity right in front of us:
These “others” might just be the ones who help us become more whole.
Learning to Become Whole Together
Unravel Groups provide men with an intentional, focused environment to share, learn, and grow in community with other (similarly) motivated men. But the purpose of these groups is to equip men to better engage God, themselves, each other, and the wider world – including, and especially, the women around us.
It’s one thing to say we love the women in our lives. It’s another to love them well, embrace who they are, and seek to understand their unique strengths and qualities. Even the most enlightened among us has work to do here. Ask yourself:
- Who are the women in my life?
- Where am I resisting their differences and/or failing to fully appreciate them?
- What can I do to better receive their unique gifts?
In every arena where you encounter women – marriage, dating, friendship, the workplace, your extended family, or the everyday world – invite the possibility that you have room to receive and offer more. Notice and celebrate the gifts of difference you may have previously met with blindness, ignorance, or dismissiveness. Because difference isn’t an obstacle to intimacy. It’s often the key to growth.
Or, as the Kellers invite us all to consider: “No wise person rejects a gift from someone who loves them without at least giving it a look.”
