You’ve probably heard it: men are the problem. Whether you believe it or not, it’s hard to escape the idea. And there’s plenty of evidence to back it up. Plenty of men who have done terrible things. Plenty of abuses of power. Plenty of qualities attributed to men – violence, aggression, anger – that plague the world around us.
As a community of men, this is incredibly frustrating. Are we (all) really that bad? Are we doomed to infect others with our inherently toxic masculinity? It’s no wonder we often separate ourselves from the rest of the pack. If the collective is not to be trusted, it’s every man for himself to escape these dangers within!
People of faith might recognize the trouble with this kind of thinking. It sidesteps a reality – and a tension – that we navigate throughout the course of our lives. On one hand, we have been created by God, uniquely and wonderfully made. On the other hand, we have the capacity to miss the mark in devastating ways.
So let’s explore a different thesis statement, one that offers us a clearer picture of reality, hope, and a pathway to do something about it:
Men (we/you) are not the problem. But men (we/you) have a problem.
Why Men Feel Stuck
Ever feel like the world doesn’t need you? That no one really cares whether you succeed or fail? You wake up, scroll, swipe, go through the motions. You’re surrounded by people, yet somehow feel unnecessary.
You’re not alone. It’s become increasingly obvious that men are struggling in all sorts of ways. Even those of us doing really well in one area of our lives face significant challenges emotionally, relationally, vocationally, and/or spiritually. And the ripple effects can be felt in the people and world around us.
There is no shortage of explanations as to what is to blame: society, cultural shifts, technology, academia, isolation. And we find ourselves looking for answers in all the wrong places: extremes, indulgence, and withdrawal.
Something is wrong. We don’t know what to do about it. And we tend to face these challenges alone.
If the story ended there, we would have every right to despair. But every problem solver – every doctor, mechanic, entrepreneur, pastor, or parent – will recognize that you need to diagnose the issue before you can address it.
Men, here’s the problem: There is a gap between the longing of your heart and the reality of your life.
Living in that gap breeds anxiety and hopelessness. Living in that gap breeds arrogance and anger. Living in that gap breeds loneliness and self-interest.
So how do we close that gap?
The Kind of Man You Want to Become
There are many things in life we would do well to avoid. But a life built around avoidance would be a terrible one. So rather than merely avoid the voice within us that whispers “Take what’s yours, give in, or give up”, let’s have the courage to ask ourselves, “What kind of man do I want to become?”
The virtuous man sees himself and the world for what it is. He seeks purpose, guidance, and wisdom to meet the demands of his reality. He grows in humility as he recognizes his strengths and weaknesses, using his unique abilities for the benefit of others. And most importantly, he orients his life towards that which matters most.
We don’t need to tell you what your problem is. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ve already sensed what it is. But we do feel compelled to invite you on an adventure – to do something wonderful and courageous about it. To discover real purpose, real guidance, real masculinity.
Our choices, individually and collectively, can lead us towards a toxic or virtuous life. Which vision we choose, which man we become, is entirely up to us.
Take heart. You are not on that journey alone.
