Everyone’s a critic. If you’ve spent any amount of time on this earth, you’ve likely been on the receiving end of it. As the writer Elbert Hubbard put it, “Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.”
We often conflate criticism with judgment. We reach a decision, render an assessment, or make a conclusion about someone or something. It can seem satisfying to successfully diagnose and reach a verdict – particularly when we emerge feeling better about ourselves in comparison. On the receiving end, criticism-as-judgment knocks us off whatever footing or standing we thought we had. It can feel dismissive, mean, final, or simply wrong.
Wait, you might be thinking, what about constructive criticism? Isn’t there (sometimes) feedback which is designed to encourage us to get better? Surely, there must be ways to give and receive tough truths that help rather than hurt in the long run.
While you might have a good handle on your own relationship to criticism, you may be missing a hidden opportunity in every critical piece of feedback you give and/or receive:
Most criticisms are wishes in disguise.
Criticism Implies a Standard
Behind every criticism is a desire for something better, different, or more. We have an ideal in mind, and measure what we’re experiencing against that standard.
Think of the best sunset you’ve ever seen. Now, look outside. The vista you’re currently seeing may have elements of beauty, but it probably doesn’t measure up to that one, perfect skyline. You might articulate the ways in which your current view is like the ideal, or point out what’s missing. But however you phrase it, your critique translates into a longing for what you have already experienced – one that you hope to experience again.
With a little translation, we begin to reveal the hidden messages behind each and every critique:
“This is bad” becomes “I wish this were better.”
“This relationship isn’t working” becomes “I wish we had a relationship where we could…”
“This is superficial” becomes “I wish this had more depth and meaning”.
“My job is terrible” becomes “I wish I could be a part of something meaningful.”
“I hate…” becomes “I wish I could love…”
How would you respond to someone who came to you with a list of wishes rather than complaints? Would you be more inclined to hear what they have to say, and look for ways to realize a better future together?
Let Criticism Fuel Your Progress
“One of the criteria for national leadership should therefore be a talent for understanding, encouraging, and making constructive use of vigorous criticism.” – Carl Sagan
Great coaches, leaders, teachers, and parents know that good critique leads to awareness, repentance, growth, and transformation. It serves not simply to condemn, but to illuminate a deeper understanding of where someone is, where they want to be, and how they might close the gap.
The next time you get ready to criticize, consider whether the person on the receiving end also understands the wish behind your words. See if you can translate your critiques into desires that can unite, motivate, and excite. When you’re on the receiving end – before getting defensive – run their criticism through your “wish filter”, and look for how their desire for you might match your own. Then, set your target and get to work!
Remember, a single act of courage is often the tipping point for extraordinary change.
Before you write off a person, a comment, a tough conversation, consider what might be possible.